Agatsuma Soubi (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
pinnedwings) wrote2021-02-15 11:21 am
pinnedwings) wrote2021-02-15 11:21 amMemory Share
These memories are available to anyone doing the Flowers for Cynthia mini event or the February Event!
pinnedwings) wrote2021-02-15 11:21 am
6 years old: orphaned; cw: parent death, verbal abuse
The funeral left Soubi drained and needy, and Ritsu does not have patience for a crying child. After being terrified in the graveyard, all Soubi wants is comfort. Which is what leads to another fit of tears as Ritsu comes into his room to turn off the lamp on his nightstand.
"Don't make it dark," Soubi whimpers.
"You're suppsoed to turn off the lights when you go to sleep."
"I'm afraid."
"Oh, be quiet."
Soubi sits there, clutching a pillow, as Ritsu steps away from the light. A little hand grasps the man's shirt.
"A book. Read to me?"
There's a moment, a few seconds, of stretching silence and Soubi thinks he might have won. Then Ritsu whips his arm away, putting the little boy off balance. Soubi falls back onto the bed.
"Read one yourself, then go to sleep."
12 years old: learning to be a fighter; cw: physical abuse, verbal grooming, dissociating
Soubi looks away. He understands that he is different from Nagisa's zero units, but he is also keenly aware that he is without a name himself. Blank. Ritsu continually tells him that being blank is not a sign of deficiency, but potential.
"I understand," he says quietly. Ritsu is training him for a brilliant future. That's what he's been told, at least. He has a bright future. He will be a peerless fighter. He has unlimited potential.
"Let's continue. Hands against the wall."
Soubi stands automatically, looking at nothing as he unbuttons his shirt. He knows it will hurt. He knows that this is to make him stronger, better. And he knows that Ritsu does it because he cares. Because he believes in what Soubi can be. He knows that he is lucky to have this attention and care. He knows--
Hands against the wall and ears back, Soubi closes his eyes and clenches his jaw against the first lash. The first is always the worst. After that, he knows, he can separate himself. He can be beyond it or above it or--or something. He can be strong. And he can be silent. He won't let pain be a weakness. Like Ritsu says, it will be a sign that he is still alive.
17 years old: meeting Seimei; cw: possessive language, allusion to future injury
"Your sacrifice will arrive today. A boy named Aoygai Seimei."
Soubi's hands tighten against his thighs and his eyebrows draw together. "What?"
"You are fortunate to be a blank fighter unit. Upon the shell of your soul, any one name can be written. Once a name is written, it cannot be rewritten. For that reason, I have chosen your sacrifice carefully. From the seven houses, I've chosen the eldest son of the Aoygai family for you. Or rather... Seimei chose you for himself. It was his dear wish. He is... influential. That is appropriate for you."
He doesn't realize that he's on his feet until he hears the chair fall over. Soubi doesn't know what he can do, but sitting quietly and accepting this isn't--he can't do that. His hands are curled into fists and he can't quite bring himself to look at Ritsu.
"So that person will become my master. You're going to hand me over to him, sensei. You're going to let him write his name, aren't you? That's your decision, isn't it?"
"Decision?" Ritsu looks back at him. Soubi can feel the sharpness of his gaze. "That's just what's going to happen."
Soubi takes a deep breath and picks up the chair. He sits in it again. "I understand," he says, clipped and tight. "Please leave me alone while I wait."
Ritsu doesn't leave, though. Soubi knows the look on the man's face without having to actually see him.
"I've given him my best student, Soubi-kun. The strongest goes to the most worthy. I prized you above all others."
"You did, didn't you?!" Soubi can't hold back his anger, his frustration. Not now. "That's why I--I thought it would be you who would write my name."
All these years. Ritsu has been the sole constant in his life for eleven years and now he's going to give him away? Soubi can't imagine a life other than this. What will happen to him? Who is this boy he's being given to? Why doesn't Ritsu want him? Soubi wants to keep arguing, but he knows that it's pointless. The decision is made. He will belong to Beloved.
"I've expressed this many times, Soubi-kun. To be blank is not to be empty: it represents unlimited potential."
"Screw that!" he yells before he can stop himself. "You're only saying it because you're afraid to give me your own name!"
What is going to happen to him?
"But I'm not afraid, Soubi."
He looks up, towards the door, when he hears another voice. The words hit him like a blow and Soubi is left speechless as Ritsu opens the door further. He accuses the boy standing there of eavesdropping, but he - Seimei - brushes it off. Seimei still has his ears and Soubi is deeply aware of his lack. But Seimei just reaches out for him and says that he needs him. Without thinking, Soubi gets up to approach the younger teenager. He shivers as cool fingers brush over his bare neck.
"I think I'll put my name here," Seimei says thoughtfully. "It'll be like a collar."
Seimei strokes his fingers against Soubi's cheek and all Soubi can do is stare at him.
"Soubi. I'll put my name upon you. I'm not afraid of giving you my name. I'm not afraid of owning you. I'm not afraid of controlling you. Love will always stray, and likes and dislikes can change instantly. But power is eternal. In heart, in body, in life, in soul, in name... devote everything to me."
In that moment, Soubi can't imagine wanting anything else. He looks down when Seimei takes his hand to lead him from the room. Soubi looks back, once, at Ritsu. He can't tell if his teacher is pleased, but it's done now. He will belong to Seimei. In totality.
College years: meeting Kio
"Who is Agtasuma?" Kio is bright-eyed as he looks toward the student the others point out.
"That guy over there."
"Oh, him! I like his paintings."
"His paintings are good, but... his art and his personality are two totally separate things."
"I'm going to sit next to him."
Soubi can hear the entire conversation. He doesn't react, thinking it will be easiest to just ignore them all - like he usually does - and continue his work. But then there's shuffling and scraping next to him as someone sets up next to him. He frowns.
"What's up? I'm Kaidou. Can I sit next to you? Ooh, you're using ink? Want me to grind it for you?"
Soubi sighs and sits up, offering Kaidou a dead-pan stare. "That's all right. Don't bother."
"Aw, how come?"
What the hell does he have to do to get this guy to stop talking?
"Because I like grinding my own ink." He can control it that way. And besides, Soubi doesn't really want someone else touching his things now that he has everything set up the way he likes.
"Oh, c'mon, me too!"
It goes on like that for days. Weeks. Months. Kio Kaidou sits next to him in every class they share. He sets up next to Soubi in the studio. He talks, incessantly, until all Soubi can do is respond in hopes of shutting him up. Soubi doesn't really notice when he starts... sort of looking forward to those interactions.
"Sou-chan!"
"I don't like nicknames."
"What are you doing for lunch? Do you want to eat together? You want to drop by the arcade on the way back?"
By now, Kio just assumes his answer. Of course they're going to eat lunch together. They eat lunch together whenever Kio is around. Soubi's stopped arguing or trying to avoid him.
"No, it reeks of cigarette smoke."
"Sou, you smoke."
Soubi just rolls his eyes. It's different when he does it.
"You know, despite everything, you've been hanging out with me a lot lately."
He isn't expecting to be called out. Soubi pauses and tries to muster a withering look.
"Not really," he says. But then... He feels himself smile. "You're just annoyingly persistent, Kio."
Before he can move out of the way, Kio's slung an arm around his shoulders and is squeezing him closer.
"Oh come on! Not that again. Nobody hangs out with someone who annoys them! You're just shy."
Soubi rolls his eyes, trying to suppress his smile and trying to shrug Kio off him.
"Sure they do, right here."
It's useless. Kio is still on him. And it feels... nice. Kio is warm and gentle and clinging to him like a child, but. Soubi doesn't mind. He hasn't minded for weeks.
"Don't be like that, Sou. You love me, don't you?"
"I thought we were going to lunch."
Recent: cemetery with Ritsuka; cw: adult/minor relationship
Soubi doesn't tell him everything. He confesses the fear of graves and the dark that Ritsu contributed to. He admits that Ritsu only took him in because he looks like his mother. And through it all, Soubi tries to make light. But as they stand there, something in him comes loose.
He sinks to his knees in front of Ritsuka, hands pressed to the cold ground.
"Ritsuka..."
He doesn't say anything else right away, but the thoughts click into place. And it all comes tumbling out in a rush.
"You'll never... abandon me, will you? You won't leave me, right? My parents... Ritsu... even Seimei. They all abandoned me."
In the silence after he stops, Soubi thinks he's made a mistake. He shouldn't have said any of this. It isn't his place to ask for anything, let alone something like this.
"Did you bring me here to ask that?" Ritsuka's voice cuts through his thoughts. Soubi can't look up. "Why bother? After all, you don't believe me. Soubi... you don't believe in anything. You can't believe me or anything I say, can you?"
Despite it all, he can feel Ritsuka's arms slide around him. Soubi closes his eyes.
"Ritsuka... I'm sorry."
"Don't make empty apologies. The only thing you understand is action, right?" Soubi feels a kiss touch the top of his head. He doesn't deserve this. What has he done? "That's why I'm ordering you. I'm ordering you to take action. Because that's the only thing you believe. You don't have to worry, because I'll never let you go!"
Soubi sinks against the boy holding him, feeling for a moment like everything has gone out of him. Ritsuka won't abandon him. Maybe that is something he can believe.